Monday, August 15, 2011

Come of Age Essay

     At about 1:44 every one was ready to leave school for their summer break. During period six all of my class mates was finishing up their last work of their freshman and about ready to throw it away once the bell rings. Ding! Ding! Ding the loud school bell goes off and everyone starts yelling," Summer time baby!" But not for me cause I still had one more long, hot, and tiring football practice to go to till Im done till the next season. It was a super chill practice that no one thought that would come true, but it really happen! At the end of practice all the football guys had all smiles on their faces while they were eating their delicious ice cream that coach gave us because we had a hell of a season. Dam we must of did wonderful.
    As everyone was walking up to the lockers i was running up so I  could go home already, as I was the first one in and out I resized that my dad was here super early and I was wondering why? As I approached the car and I got in with a clueless thought on my face, I asked my dad why you here so early and he just drove off with a sad face. As we got on the freeway heading in a different direction he told me what happen. I was in complete shock because my grandma was rushed to the hospital by an ambulance to Kapiolani Hospital.
     Right when he said that I thought she passed away, but I thought to myself that this couldn't happen and she was alright. But for the passed years my Grandma had problems with cancer, now its really affecting her. As we arrived we ran to her room were all of my family members was standing and praying around her. Everyone was tearing up and I though she has passed on to a better place. Everyone stayed with her the whole night waiting for the doctor to tell us the results on how much longer she had to live.
     The doctors finally came in and they called my dad and my aunty to discuss the problem and the doctor said she has about one month or less to live. That was the most hardest thing to hear for me. So we all took care and when she got a little better the doctor said that we could bring her home instead of staying here. I thought it was better and it was because more of our family members could spend time with her. As precious days went by and the days got closer the day came and everyone was a our house in her presents praying. As the time went down till it was very late we called it a night and everyone slept over out house.
     Days went by even weeks my Grandma hardly survived even tho the doctors said she had months or less she survived more till the beautiful day around 1:00 a.m. my lovely grandma passed on with everyone on her side sharing tears of joy because we don't have to see her suffer anymore. I had to let her go cause I knew that she would be in a better place then here with no cancer just peace, But I will still keep those wonder memories when she took care ever since I was a little kid till now. These memories will always be in my heart.

3 comments:

  1. Branson,
    Your coming of age essay is organized pretty well. It transitions well and is easy to follow through and understand what you're saying. Also there is a sense of voice in your essay. The only things that need work in your essay is show how the death of your grandma affected you and show that you have "came of age". Also there is a grammatical error in the 2nd to last sentence in the 2nd to last paragraph.

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  2. hey branson! Your essay is structured in a way where the reader will think one thing and then your transitions led them to another point of view. The moods changed drastically from being happy because school was ending to tears because the passing of your grandma. Maybe one thing you can change is showing and not telling.

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  3. Hi Branson,
    Nice job on your essay. Your teammates also did a good job in their comments. I agree with them that you can show more of how you changed through this experience and also that you need to do more showing, rather than telling, in the essay.
    I also agree with Tati about the sequence. I understand that, with cancer patients and others close to death, that it's kind of an up and down thing...sometimes it seems as though they are almost gone and then they are able to survive a little longer. I think, however, for your narrative, it would be better to summarize that part and concentrate only on the parts that resulted in some change in your...because your coming of age is the focus of this essay.
    Let me know if you have questions.
    mrs s

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